Greg Giraldo: Gluttony USA | Get Up Stand Up | Comedy Central

Greg Giraldo likes to describe himself as puckish, even if he has no idea what that means.

Greg Giraldo marvels at the muscle mass of gay men who work out.

Greg Giraldo explains that American Olympians have had it easy, with only insignificant obstacles to overcome like early morning practices and dyslexia.

Where are the sex robots already?

Greg just channels funniness from the heavens.

Greg discusses what's funnier, wartime or peacetime.

He got a Valentine's Day card from his grandmother.

Greg laments what's happened to the state of holidays in public schools.

I don't know honey, I must've bumped into a clown.

If Greg were turned off by fat, drunk girls dancing, he'd still be a virgin.

Sure the environment is on the brink of destruction. But that might bring some pleasant surprises.

I know people aren't renting video tapes anymore, but I think we should hold on to those old values.

If Greg were turned off by fat, drunk girls dancing, he'd still be a virgin.

European tourists are treating America like some Third World flea market.

Why do kids get to do all the drinking and drugging? Shouldn't it be the old people who get that?

Greg Giraldo highlights some of the positive aspects of the Puerto Rican Day parade.

Greg explains how comedy shows and bachelorette parties prove that terrorists will never change the American way of life.

Are we really supposed to believe that Barack Obama had to ask his wife's permission to run for president?

How did America's children become so phenomenally fat? And why don't the unhealthy kids get picked on anymore?

Greg previews his shows in Norway, Canada, Nepal and Cameroon.

If everyone grows up with high self-esteem, who will dance in our strip clubs?

Maybe instead of 72 virgins, in heaven there's a seven-foot-two Persian.

Could Greg have caused the devastation in New Orleans or Cancun?

You don't get the truth just because you're torturing somebody.

Sometimes Greg Giraldo's encounters with the homeless can get awkward.

A gas station attendant asks personal questions.

Greg Giraldo doesn't believe that people in cults are "freaks."

If you were married and ran yourself over with a car, you'd never win another argument.

Whipping out your penis is a bold pick-up strategy.

A new height requirement in the police force is racist against pygmy midget girls.

What kind of work can a guy who lives in the garbage get?

Greg Giraldo can't believe the lengths Americans will go to keep eating.

America is getting dumber all the time, especially compared to Europe.

When was the last time someone lost a job to an illegal alien?

Greg Giraldo looks so white he could almost pass for "normal."

Greg Giraldo is impressed that Siegfried and Roy found each other.

Greg Giraldo is excited to be having probably his first baby.

There are no ratty strip clubs for women, and Greg Giraldo knows why.

It seems like there's a new disease discovered everyday.

If bin Laden were in America with a $25 million reward on his head, people would turn themselves in.

America can't just keep blowing things up and leaving.

The Bush administration doesn't care about the environment.

If we keep coddling children, we could end up destroying the nation's porn industry.

Scientists all over the world are beginning to do some pretty strange things.

Are cults crazier than the rest of religions?

Nowadays, everyone is open about every evil thing they do.

The Patriot Act will be a big issue when it applies to more people than just Arabs.

Just admit you're conservative and stop lying.

The gay stereotype is primed for a change.

If you want to see how easy America has it compared to so many other countries, watch the Olympics.

Cleavage isn't a smart bomb.

India and Pakistan have nuclear weapons, but they can't afford matching uniforms.

Gay guys should have to get married and adopt kids.

People always want to compare their dogs to kids.

Greg Giraldo discusses his hour-long stand-up special, Midlife Vices.

The great thing about having a debilitating accident while staying in a hotel's handicapped room is you're pretty much all set up.

Given the choice of kangaroo sex and koala sex, you'd probably be wise to go with the koala sex. But you're going to have to deal with those claws.