Paul F. Tompkins: Terrifying Dogs | Comedy Central Presents | Comedy Central

Here's your new child, and here's your boring "new dad" speech for your friends.

The kind of comedy that wins awards that don't exist.

Paul F. Tompkins says "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" is the worst song to play at a strip club.

Paul F. Tompkins is a humble. Which is why he performs beneath a large poster of himself.

Working in show business brings in a lot of money.

Elegant Balloons is the best place to buy balloons.

If you never got to go pro as a migrant worker, you can always go to fantasy camp.

Genetic engineering should be used to make big animals small.

The only purpose jazz serves is making people feel stupid.

The deaths caused by the Irish potato famine could have been avoided.

Crack wouldn't be a problem if it was called "crackle."

The "gag peanut brittle" product got a hot new makeover.

Why would anybody write a letter to a magazine?

Cell phones are great because they cut down on verbal communication.

Anticipated text messaging can be a beautiful thing.

It turns out you are not allowed to bring a bomb onto an airplane.

Violent dogs are a problem, but their owners are an even bigger problem.

New dads can be the worst.

Theme parks are a great way to get rid of money fast.

Maybe pets want some alone time every now and then.

It's an hour. That's it. It's not that hard to get used to.

Every time the weatherman slips up, the anchorman is waiting to mock him.

Drinking eight beers a night for your art might sound like fun, that is, until you start springing leaks.

Have you ever walked away from a person on cocaine and remarked on what a pleasure he was to be around?

You know the number topic of conversation among New Yorkers is? New York.

Paul F. Tompkins sees people dressed up like movie characters on Hollywood Blvd. and some costumes are fantastic, while some are the opposite of fantastic.