Patton Oswalt - Red Carpet | The Comedy Central Roast of William Shatner | Comedy Central

Jet Blue understands how horrible air travel has become since the '60s, so they just shove distractions down your throat.

If you went back in time to 1999, the ten-years-ago, much skinnier, you would not believe how cool things have gotten today.

Patton explains what the brave pioneer women were dreaming of while giving birth in their cabins made of bison poop.

Patton shares his dark Road Warrior-type vision of the future, full of motorcycle mutants and sad boys.

Patton Oswalt's cell phone understands his capacity for deep and encompassing hatred all too well.

Patton's weight problem is getting to the point where people can tell he's fat just by the way he pronounces "B" words.

Bloggers have degraded communicating to nothing more than electronic poo flinging.

Darth Vader is a little kid and he's really sad? I don't care. I don't care.

Patton Oswalt wonders if a workshop of unfunny elves make Carrot Top's props.

America has spoken: "Pile my food in a bowl and make a hillock out of it."

Patton Oswalt wonders if Andy Dick is Courtney Love in disguise.

Why does a Mexicorn want to slobber on my duke?

Restaurants advertise things that have nothing to do with the food.

None of the upstart Easter egg dyeing companies unseated the Paas dynasty.

Patton discusses having "insane cravings" for food or battling with "sleep addiction."

Patton Oswalt describes the trials and tribulations of being a war reporter.

Patton Oswalt runs down the benefits of dying in the Apocalypse.

Patton Oswalt wants to start picking up lesbians in bars.

Patton Oswalt's proposed TV show is a mix of New Testament, "Bewitched" and "Seinfeld."

Patton Oswalt breaches some fake boundaries.

Most obituary writers must be failed PR people.

Patton Oswalt hates watching old movies in L.A.

We're at war, apparently.

For a minute, Patton Oswalt's life rocked.

Patton Oswalt gets thrown out of the Anne Frank house.

Brown eggs? That's our little prodigy.

All medical videos are shocking.

Porn spam is fine as long as it's spell checked.

If you live to be 90, you get a very special birthday present.

If you lose a fight to a midget, you become one.

Reality runs out at 4:30 tomorrow afternoon.

Patton details two annoying types of people.

Dave Burbank founds Burbank.

Patton hates George W. Bush and hippies.

If you were a fan of 80s metal videos, you were, apparently, gay.

There's nothing worse than seeing a comedian in love.

Dr. Pepper intermittently tells the tale of his roommate's car.

Patton wants to do a film about Einstein's four hours on the toilet.

Winos drink because it's Tuesday.

George W. Bush wants to be the last president.

Dying in the apocalypse would be pretty awesome.

War reporters hate mayonnaise on their sandwiches.

Some people are really against growing an original personality.

Patton Oswalt doesn't feel as angry as he used to.