Nick Di Paolo - Red Carpet | Roast of Pamela Anderson | Comedy Central

Nick DiPaolo rants about the handcuffing properties of marriage.

Pope John Paul II's death didn't surprise Nick.

Nick DiPaolo dishes on his latest special including bits on domestic violence and the Pope.

From the hospital to the Gap, Nick can't find decent help.

Nick's sure the militants have killed humor in this country.

Nick DiPaolo would rather lick the toilet seat at the Greyhound Bus station than hug his niece.

When it comes to toys, the size of your balls DO matter.

They say laughter can cure physical ailments.

Guys don't have as much pressure as women to look good.

Nick DiPaolo loves the way Italians are portrayed on "The Sopranos."

Nick DiPaolo loves women, but not militant feminists.

Nick DiPaolo doesn't see many terrorists coming out of St. Bart's.

Do not help old women on airplanes.

Nick DiPaolo is getting too old to date.

The only word Nick DiPaolo wants to hear after climaxing is "goodbye."

From hotels to The Gap, nobody gives a crap anymore.

People should get plastic surgery on their necks, too.

Nick can't get used to his wife naming all his stuff.

Nick and his wife fight about money.

Nick's wife wants to get pregnant and doesn't want him involved.

Nick doesn't miss the sights and sounds of New York City.

Nick doesn't like diversity.

Nick was not shocked when the pope died.

Nick remembers when soccer moms weren't ruling the world.

They give you free booze while you gamble because it messes up your judgment.

We're trying to ban smoking in public places, but we're doing nothing about drive-by shootings.

Homeless people can sleep with a broken Heineken bottle and a brick on their head.

Nick DiPaolo loaded up on jalapeno dip and chili before he went parasailing.

Guys can't feel anything with a condom on.

Guys have no energy after sex.

Only in this country are obese people considered disabled.

They call scratching an art form.

Homeless people can sleep anywhere.

To stay in shape, make sure to get food poisoning a few times a year.

Nick forgets the combination to his button fly jeans.

You can't pay with sit-ups.

Beware the chef getting a bikini wax.

Eight out of 10 dentists recommend a Zagnut bar before bed.

If you want to lose weight, get food poisoning twice a year.

A Catholic priest told Nick how to live with a woman.

Nick wants the "Friends and Family With Matching Bone Marrow" plan.