Audio: Two Things | | Comedy Central

You're just puking and crying, that's all you can do.

Adam explains the secret to Dane Cook's success, and it ain't because of his smokin' good looks.

55 years? I can't make a relationship last 55 minutes.

If you're a cheater and you have hardwood floors, they taunt you.

I said, "God bless you," but it kind of sounded like, "Cover your f**king mouth."

Dane takes the brunt of a sneeze

Dane gives a look at the Civil War and how it sucks to be the flute guy.

Dane puts his unborn child at risk and collects 38 vaginas in this uncensored clip.

The flu is going around. You know what else is going around? Babies.

Rocky music is playing in your head, and then, as soon as it happens, it's just quiet.

What the f*ck are you gonna do to help these f*ckin' kids?! They're playing in mud!

It's the only place in the world where you judge how you feel by a round of applause.

What are the two things that guys want more than sex?

Dane Cook's tales of infidelity are animated before your eyes!

Dane wants a mystery house with weird hallways, pictures with no eyes and trap doors.

Nobody talks to the weird guy at work -- except Dane Cook.

Dane Cook wants to get inside your comedy cerebellum and hurt it. But he won't do long-term damage.

Every time I see a snake on T.V., I say, "Why not me?"

Dane Cook wants to know how you're feeling tonight.

Dane Cook discusses his dreams.

Dane Cook has figured out how to tell if you're really drunk.

Dane Cook thinks the future will be fun.

Dane Cook discusses strategizing in church.

Dane Cook never needs to dance.

Dane Cook talks about working for his brother.

Dane Cook ponders the invention of 'the finger.'

How did Dane end up watching this channel for so long?

Different ethnic groups prepare to fight in different ways.

Dane Cook and his 40-foot key cheat on his girlfriend.

Why is everything wet in a public restroom?

There's a guy at your work that nobody talks to.

There are two things that every man wants more than sex.

Dane Cook was a responsible kid.

Using shoulder technique earned Dane membership in an exclusive club of cell phone users.

Dane isn't suicidal, but he wrote himself a lengthy note to flesh out his thoughts on killing himself.

Dane wants a large family with kids from all over the globe.

Dane's parents both passed away, but he's not ready to delete their numbers from his cell phone yet.

After spending some time online, Dane Cook is starting to think this "Dane Cook" guy is a douchebag.

Dane wonders when Barack Obama is going to join Facebook.

How can Dane say everything what he doesn't want on his sandwich when he doesn't know what's supposed to be there in the first place?

Bet you didn't know that Isolated Incident's opening sequence was inspired by Goodfellas.

Dane explains how comedians take the real stories of life and fix them to make as funny as they should have been.

One fan's email to Dane turned out to be the thing that caused Dane to evolve into the comedian he is today.

Dane has never watched Isolated Incident, because he doesn't want to spoil the feeling of the performance.