Billy Gardell - New York City | Comedy Central Presents | Comedy Central

It's nice to be back in a place where you can have more than four beers at a time.

You can't drink on the job unless you're a pilot or a tanker captain.

Here's a pill to eat, here's a pill to sleep, here's a pill to screw

If you don't have the balls to discipline your kids, don't have kids.

I didn't realize why my dad spent so much time in the garage -- until I got married.

I love you. Wanna move in and throw out all my favorite stuff?

To have a healthy marriage, you have to learn the "c word." Not that one.

He moved in, stole my girl and didn't even have to buy her dinner.

My son is at the age where he's starting to repeat everything I say.

Everybody starts out polite, until the booze comes out.

By the third step-father, I had it all figured out.

If Billy told his dad he was gonna sue him for his house, he'd wake up four weeks later.

We need another party. But not the Libertarians; they're all loaded.

The key to a good relationship is not arguing.