DL Hughley: Shocked and Appalled | | Comedy Central

I'd rather have a president who cries than a president who makes me cry.

D. L. Hughley is tired of white people falling off cruise ships.

If we're gonna build a wall, let's at least put the immigrants' names on it and tell them it's a monument.

When Barack Obama won the Iowa Caucuses, he was the most shocked dude on stage.

When I picked up that microphone, I understood that this was what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.

Advice is not like a road map. If someone tells you how they did it, it's only how they did it, not how you necessarily should do it.

How do you run up an $800 bar tab if you're homeless? Don't you just need a dollar or so?

John McCain is having a hard time collecting money, because people think they're giving it to a funeral home.

DL Hughley wonders what's the big deal about Barry Bonds'home run record and lays the n-word controversy to rest.

DL Hughley gives the definite answer about whether the United States is ready for a black president.

D. L. Hughley tells Kyle Cease the worst thing that happened this year.

Isiah Thomas' sexual harassment accuser looks like Patrick Ewing.

D.L. Hughley doesn't know why O.J. can't just lay low.

D.J. relates the built-in b.s. detector that leaves black people unfazed.

DL Hughley explains how little girls are too smart and little boys are too dumb.

D.L. explains asking officers for their badge numbers is not a good idea for blacks and Latinos.

Police in New York are a lot different than cops in L.A.

New York cab drivers never know where they're going.

It feels like there's a velvet rope everywhere in New York.

Beautiful women have only one job: looking beautiful.

D.L. Hughley loves his job.

D.L. Hughley doesn't like flying.

D.L. dishes out advice on how to keep that pretty girlfriend.

Drug testing janitors is pointless.

Osama bin Laden has released more videos than Tupac.

D.L. Hughley notices that people in New York have tiny dogs.

Taking a black person hostage will just turn out to be practice.

There are ways to get even more free money after winning the lottery.

No man who makes the world better for mankind dies of old age.

D.L. isn't calling a doctor if his erection lasts more than four hours.

Kobe Bryant taught D.L. never to order room service again.

There are only white daredevils. It's dangerous enough being black.

Black people can tell when someone is crazy.

D.L. remembers what he was doing on 9/11.

Nothing shocks black people.

You're not a coward when you stay in the car you know is going to blow up.

If the pope really believed he was going to Heaven, he wouldn't be surrounded by bullet-proof glass.

Black people won't admit there's anything wrong with their child.

No father is proud of his son playing the flute.

D.L.'s fantasy is his wife going to work.

D.L.'s wife wants more kids.

If your kids know how to cuss, they won't get kidnapped.

Beautiful women get away with murder.

Women love your money.

Fellatio may significantly decrease the rate of breast cancer in women.