Ralphie May - Mullets | Ralphie May: Prime Cut | Comedy Central

Ralphie May recommends letting your empanadas cool off before you eat them.

White people need minorities to let them know it's okay to laugh.

Ralphie May doesn't call Al Sharpton "reverend," because he's never seen him in church.

To get from gate 31 to gate 88 at the Denver airport, you have to cross the Kansas state line.

I gave my baby a stripper name and I'm proud of it.

Never perform for a crowd at 8:00 that has been drinking at happy hour prices since 4:00.

I've had other jobs, but I've never had a career other than comedy.

Give yourself five points for a new joke, a new tagline is two points, and rearranging your material is one point. Try and get 10 points per show.

I married a Jewish broad, so I'm used to taking orders from women.

In about 20 minutes, Ralphie May's breasts are going to smell like vinegar.

I am married. Sorry, ladies. Pack up your vaginas and go home.

If you're in the gym and sweating, you're working out. That's the fat code.

I didn't know they made white chocolate cake! I shoulda got an email!

As Ralphie May says, you can't act shocked when the Pope dies. That's what old people do.

Ralphie May expounds on the virtues of midgets.

Ralphie May wants to know who's offended by the word "retarded."

When Rusty came out to play, they all switched to football.