John Heffron - Thirties | Comedy Central Presents | Comedy Central

No matter how John beat up on his little brother, he always got the same response.

When you're trying to pick up a girl, don't get her drunk -- get her gatekeeper friend drunk.

Every once in a while, there'll be a story on the news about a couple that went on a cruise and only the wife came back.

There are a few differences between the guy who bought a bus on eBay's marriage and John's marriage.

At bars, women are like the Marines -- they don't leave anybody behind.

The world needs landscapers. John just doesn't want to be one of them.

The youngest child will yell "I can't breathe!" at the drop of a hat.

Women, talk to your men as if your cell phone's about to die.

John Heffron moves slowly for his fans who still use dial-up.

John makes his wife a card, complete with stripper dust.

Clutterblindness affects 110% of all men.

Women are not like video games.

Tums replace condoms as you get older.

The further away John gets from the recall button, the bigger the trouble he's in.

Girls don't leave their own behind.

For guys, even the need for insulin won't interfere with a friend's hook up.

John's mom cut his hair with the dingleberry scissors.

John's life caddy sizes up an important decision.

John advises young guys to go after older women.

John's younger brother had a trick to get John in trouble.

Growing up, John always had to sit on the middle hump "suck seat."

Kids these days get stressed easily.

John loves his wife but misses his roommate, Rob.

John wants his wife to just tell him what he's supposed to do.

John's wife has him on call 24/7.

John advises all men to lie during marriage counseling.

Ladies, if you want the dishes done, call your guy a dick.

John wants to outlaw girl glitter.

Men can't say "tsk."