Tosh.0 Blog

I’m never going to have children. I kill a batch of Sea Monkeys every three weeks; the mere thought of having a tiny human being is terrifying.  Worse than having a baby would be having an unpopular baby without any talent.  Yuck!  Who wants one of those!?

Good news.  I could make sure this baby wasn’t a total dud by getting a sperm donor from California Cryobank.  They provide a list of celebrity look-a-like donors on their website, so that must mean these babies are going to be totally cool.  I want to be entertained!

So I'm having a celeb look-a-like baby.  It's decided.  But with which celeb look-a-like donor should I go with?

I've picked five of the weirdest most interesting celeb look-a-like options on the site and created images of what they may look like if I choose them.  Help me pick a celeb baby so I can show it off to all my friends, make money off it, and ruin its adult life by refusing to stop living an irresponsible lifestyle!

This is what I imagine what would happen if I got a Jackie Chan look-a-like sperm donor.  I'd get a tiny Jackie Chan looking baby who knew fly kicks, but what if he refuses to take a nap and karate chops right out of his crib?! I can't afford to keep fixing a crib my martial arts baby is too skilled to stay in!  Hi-yah, no thanks!

After the jump, see what the rest of my favorite celeb look-a-like donor babies would look like.  Thanks California Cryobank!

This little Kurt Cobain baby is sweet.  He's adorably all grunged up and ready to overdose on a bottle of heroin!  Awwww!  I like this one, but I'm afraid that nut job ex-wife of his would show up at my house and kidnap him in the middle of the night just to prove a point then rant about it on MySpace.  Sounds like a bad idea.  Plus, I don't know where to get baby heroin.  What baby's next?

Yeay! Conan O'Brian look alike baby!  Yes!  He'd be smart, hilarious, and wait…. Would be grow up and still have that red hair? Oof.  I might have to re-think this one.  Let me see what my other picks were.

Oh sweet!  Baby Jonas Brothers!  ZOMG!  I could make millions off these little things.  Make them tiny purity rings, cart them around to daycares to perform, and to church too.  Except the church probably wouldn't condone me and my sperm-donating-to-brag-about-cute-babies lifestyle.  They should.  Look at how cute those tiny Jonas brother babies' hair is!  Amazing!

Oh, my favorite!  I'm a huge 'Sopranos fan;' a mini James Gandolfini baby would be perfect!  I'd teach him his first words: "ce-ment shoes" and get him a black leather car seat, fully equipped with a tiny gun.  It's legal for babies to have guns, right?  This IS America.  If I can chose to have a little James Gandolfini look-a-like baby, I should be able to get it a tiny gun.  I can't wait!  This is the one I'm going with!!!  Here comes momma, you little gangster!

…Wait.  Now I'm hearing a tiny gun for a baby is preposterous and illegal.  Boooo.  Well, you know what?  I'm over having a celeb baby then.

I'm going back to my Sea Monkeys.

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