Comedy Central's Jokes.com: Joke of the Day

Take Off My Clothes

2008-10-30

My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse.

Then she told me to take off her skirt.

Then she told me not to wear her clothes anymore.

Workin' Man at the Restaurant

2008-12-01

A man with greasy jeans, a flannel shirt, and work boots approaches the headwaiter in an elegant restaurant.

The man says, "Hey buddy, where's your crapper?"

The headwaiter calmly replies, "Go down the hall and turn left. When you see the sign marked 'Gentlemen,' pay absolutely no attention to it and go right inside."

Group Photo

2008-10-30

Q: Why is it so difficult to take a group photo of a bunch of West Virginians?

A: Because everytime the photographer yells “Cheese!” they all line up!'

Redneck's Last Words

2008-10-30

What are a typical redneck's three last words?

"Hey, watch this! "

Cooky Cookie Joke

2008-10-30

Q: Why did the cookie go to the doctors office?

A: Because it was feeling crummy.

Jeff Dunham: Illegally Parking in the Handicap Spot

2009-10-19

Walter: My wife and I couldn't find any place to park anywhere near this stinkin' joint. And some jerk pulled up in a brand new Mercedes and pulled right into the handicap spot. He got out of the car and there was nothin' wrong with him, don't you hate that? So I ran his ass over. I made an honest man out of him! And his mother got out of the other side and started swinging her crutches at me -- took her out with the door.
Jeff Dunham: Don't you feel kinda bad?
Walter: Ah hell, they can carpool.

Photo Trap

2008-12-01

A motorist gets caught in an automated speed trap that photographs his car.

He later receives a ticket in the mail for $40 with a photo of his car.

Instead of payment, he sends the police department a photograph of $40.

A few days later, he gets a letter from the police department with a picture of handcuffs.

New Version of Playboy

2008-10-30

Q. Did you hear about the new magazine for married men published by Playboy?

A. It has the same pictures month after month after month after month after month....

Bellboy

2008-10-30

Once there was a church that had a bell that no one could ring. One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. So the boy went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell, face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The shocked priest gave him the job. But one Sunday, he ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed and fell off the tower and died.

"Congregation," the priest said before the assembled masses. "Does anybody know this boy's name? Because I don't know him, but his face rings a bell."

People in Grass Houses

2008-10-30

The king of a small African nation had an elegant golden throne in his large grass hut. When an old friend came to visit from another nation, he was worried that the man would discover he was a king and treat him differently. He searched frantically for a place to hide the throne, but to no avail. Finally, he decided to have it wedged up in the ceiling of his hut. When his friend arrived, he went to the hut's opening to greet him. Just then the ceiling started to give way, and the golden throne fell on the king, killing him.
The moral of the story is this: People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones.'

Victoria's Five-Legged Secret

2008-10-30

Did you hear about the woman who has five legs?

Her panties fit her like a glove!

Victorian Ladies

2008-10-30

How many Victorian ladies does it take to change a lightbulb?

One hundred.

One to replace the bulb and ninety-nine to contract consumption and die beautiful, poetic deaths.

Yo' Mama Is So Fat... Senior Photo

2008-10-30

Yo' Mama is so fat, her senior photo is an aerial shot.

It's the Big One - Take Cover!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-10-30

What did one earthquake say to the other earthquake?

“It's all your fault!”

One-Handed Man Crossing

2008-10-30

Why did the one-handed man cross the road?

To get to the second hand shop.

Musicians and Lightbulbs

2008-10-30

Q: How many musicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: One, two, one, two, three, four!