There's only really been one time in my life that -- and it was recently and it actually was with a waitress -- she froze my brain. It was really interesting how she did this. She froze my brain. I've never eaten at this restaurant before and she asked me a question that was impossible for me to answer. It was almost a riddle. And it was so simple, I've never eaten there. I didn't look at the menu because I knew what I wanted. I knew I wanted a turkey club sandwich. And I like three things on a turkey club, I like lettuce, mayonnaise, and cheese. Very simple. She finally comes over to me and she's not in a good mood already. She's one of those waitresses that is blaming me for the fact that she's so busy. Even when I sat, she was like 'I need a minute, please'. I'm like 'I didn't do this. I don't travel with a gang of 40 people'. She finally comes back and says 'Yes, yes, what do you want?'. So I'm kinda rushed, but I look at her but I say 'Yeah, can I have a turkey club sandwich with only lettuce, mayonnaise --,' and right there, she rudely interrupts and says 'Yeah, why don't you just tell me what you don't want on it?'. And I'm sitting there, and I'm frozen. Here's the thing: I know now what I didn't know then. What I know now is I didn't know what the f**k was on the sandwich to know what I didn't want on the sandwich. So I was sitting there just trying to know the ingredients of a sandwich. And then I thought of the question and I got a little pissed off and embarrassed. What don't I want on the sandwich? There's a lot of things I don't want on the sandwich. I don't want foliage on the sandwich. I don?t want rust or any other alloy on the sandwich. I don?t want a policeman's badge on the sandwich. I don't want fish hooks on my grandmother's eyes on the sandwich. What an ass backwards way of going in to anything. What if that was customer's service protocol for everything? 'Yeah, can I get a coach class ticket for the flight?'. 'Yeah, is there anything you don't want on the flight?'. 'Yeah, I don't want fire on the flight. I don't want rabid dogs running around, nipping at people. I don't want people opening and closing umbrellas near my goddamn eyes. I don't want a surly character sitting next to me praying to a god that's not my god in an angry fashion. I don't want the captain coming out of the cockpit saying 'I hate my f**king life''.
Watch highlights from the legendary comedian’s first stand-up special in 30 years.
We combed the nation for the next great stand-up star.
Unlimited streams and downloads of the best Comedy Central specials for just $5.
Stream hours of the best clips from our huge stand-up library on your iPhone or iPad for free.